I miss the quiet moments of nursing you in the early morning. I miss the way you would bob your head from side to side when preparing to latch, stretching your lips and wildly searching for your target. I miss feeling your little feet and tiny toes flex rhythmically against my stomach. I miss how your hands would ball up into fists as if the act of nursing took up all your concentration and might. I miss your bright eyes looking up at me, and the way you would stop and stare at me quizzically all of a sudden, like you just noticed I was there too. You would pause and sometimes break into a big, milky, gummy smile. Boy, do I miss those. But I think I mostly miss being your homebase. I miss having the superpower that could fix all of the problems in your little world.
I was mad at first. Mad that we had to supplement with formula right off the bat. Mad that I got mastitis. Mad that it forced me to pump. I’m mad that all of these things lower your supply of breastmilk. But mostly I’m mad at myself. I’m mad I didn’t try harder to bring back my supply. I had nutritional gold for you at my fingertips, FREE nutritional gold and I let it slip away. At 3 1/2 months I stopped nursing. I gave up.
Although I’ve felt like I’ve failed you, I now know that I haven’t. Not at all. You are the happiest, healthiest baby. And we still get to bond every single day. Even if it’s with a bottle. You still curl up on my lap and look at me with those big beautiful eyes of yours. You now love to touch my mouth or to play with your hair. You still doze off in my arms and I often let you sleep there just taking you all in. Even though our breastfeeding journey has ended and a part of me still crumbles thinking about it, I still have all of those memories engrained in my heart. And my sweet girl, we are making plenty more.
I love you to the moon and back baby girl!
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